I haven’t had someone important to introduce to my family and friends since I brought my dog home over 6 years ago. No one has impressed me enough to be judged by the most important people in my life. Did I say judged? I meant accepted.
But something about the arrival of my Eggplant Emojibator in the mail changed all that. Eggplant Emojibator was so different from all the rest. So unique. So purple. Here was something I finally felt compelled to show off to my friends, my family, hell, my therapist. My Eggplant Emojibator may not buy me dinner but he has the potential to bring me the same level of joy as someone that could. And I’m a vegetarian! Would my Emojibator take compliments and/or criticism as well as it takes batteries? Let’s find out!
Okay, so technically it’s the 4 most important women in my life. I couldn’t not share the arrival of Eggplant Emojibator with my two best, best friends. We don’t get to see each other as often as we like, so we stay close through the power of a group text and as you know: Never break up a bff group text. Here’s what they had to say:
K: Wow, a little shorter than I pictured.
E: Yeah, so small!
K: But so, so cute! 😍
E: True. Can you put it in your pocket?
C: Definitely! Except in my really tight, black pants.
K: But you always carry a backpack anyway
E: Yeah, what’s that about?
C: My backpack is stylish...
K: Well, his style is definitely unique like yours.
E: 90s looking but in a modern throwback way
K: Tooootalllly. And he doesn’t worry about fitting in. You’ll look good together.
E: He’s probably funny too. He’ll be good at parties. Seems confident.
K: A good cuddler…
E: I’d watch him vibrate and be pretty entertained
K: I bet he’s a great texter.
K: Wait. If you use him while you’re on your period...
K: Does that make him eggplant parmesan?
Having my Emojibator meet my therapist was high on my list of importance. Despite only seeing me once a week, she certainly knows the most about me. Plus, masturbation is its own form of therapy, right? Sure, one is 45 minutes a week and the other is (on a good week) 45 minutes a day, but they both clear my head nonetheless.
For this session, I took the notes:
Eggplant Emojibator & my therapist // 9:30 am
She seems confused and wants to know what I am showing her
Explain not used
Impressed with speeds
“Cute” “surprisingly powerful”
“purple is pleasing”
Wonders if I should consider coming twice a week
I tell her ‘how about twice a day?’ Laughs
Attachment style = avoidant? (I disagree)
Of course she had to abruptly stop when our time was up. If only she worked on AAA batteries like my little Emojibator...
Any younger sister knows how important the approval of a big sister is. No matter how old we get, those days of looking up to your older sibling remain powerful. Plus, before sex toys there were just... toys! And nothing could beat when your older sister would take time out of what you thought was her very important schedule of homework to play toys with you.
Plus, once I was in high school, she introduced me to the shower head in my parents bathroom. At 5 years my senior, it was her job to show me the ropes of pleasure (To clarify, actual ropes wouldn’t be introduced until years later).
So while we won’t ever be sharing my Emojibator toy, her insight on my eggplant still very much mattered to me:
Subject: re: meet eggplant emojibator!!
First off, how am I supposed to give a full, truthful, accurate opinion on a vibrator...remotely?! I know we were never good at sharing our toys and things (hence why mom had to buy us each our own copy of Jagged Little Pill) but you could’ve sent me my own!
Second, and most important, Eggplant Emojibator certainly looks lovely (and nutritious!) He must be very fun at night, being a nightshade vegetable and all. Oh god, was that a mom joke?
Anyway, happy for you and your new friend! My little sis giving me recommendations. Oh how you’ve grown!
Well, apart from possibly needing a new therapist, I’d say the reactions are good. Eggplant Emojibator, you are here to stay!