Masturbating in the Mirror and Me
by Maddie Allard
It was shocking for me, watching Ilana splayed on the floor, mirror propped above her as she prepped herself for masturbation while watching porn. I often related myself and one of my closest friends to the dynamic duo of Broad City, but Ilana’s masturbation method made my stomach flip.
It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with my own discomfort with my own body. I’ve always been slightly ashamed of my genitalia. I wasn’t raised very religious, but every time I had thoughts about women or found myself grinding against my pillows I would cry thinking God was judging me.
My environment didn’t help very much either. Before the current surge of feminism, I spent my teens and pre-teens in the early/mid-2000s watching media like American Pie and hearing teenage boys openly laughing about roast beef lips and “disgusting” hairy pussies. At one point I had made out with a boy and he went on to tell his friends that he had gone down on me and that my vagina smelled funny. I felt betrayed and disgusting. I started paying more attention to how I cleaned myself.
Around 10 years later I am a lot more comfortable with my body and I have no time for petulant men who think they can judge women’s bodies. I still haven’t fully explored myself though.
It was only a month ago that I sat down in front of my mirror and really looked at myself. What I saw wasn’t the monster I believed it to be for so long. The hair didn’t make it look scary or dirty. It’s mauve, which I wasn’t expecting, but it still was cute and unique. I still wasn’t at a place to lie there looking at it while I masturbated.
I finally sat down to finish this article 7 months after writing the intro. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I was afraid of being so grossed out by my body that I wouldn’t be able to cum. I felt icky and problematic. I have so much confidence and I love women’s bodies, so why couldn’t I love my own?
Then I came out of the closet. I’ve identified as bisexual since 2015. As of December 2019, I’ve come to the realization that no, I’m not ‘over’ men. I’m actually not attracted to men at all. Admitting to myself that I’m a lesbian made me feel like I lost 10 lbs. It also has led me to feel more liberated.
So liberated, that I agreed to partially strip and sit on a cake for a friend’s birthday party. It’s been my dream to do a cake sitting for a while. It’s so messy, unexpected, and fun. Plus as a Libra, I LOVE the attention. Before the party, I got super hyped up. I covered my body in glitter and my roommate helped me pick out a perfect thong to wear for my performance. I was fully feeling myself and decided it was now the time.
I grabbed my favorite vibrator, pulled my thong to the side, and went for it. It. Was. So. Hot. There was something intimate about looking at my own pussy while pleasuring myself. I came almost instantly. The only thing that was offputting? My oh face. It was kind of embarrassing, so I kept my focus below my waist. 10 out of 10, highly recommend.
At the party, I told a friend what I had done. Her reaction was unexpected, “I actually do that every day,” she drunkenly shouted to me over the music. I was impressed.
