There are many reasons that you may want to masturbate without penetration. You may simply prefer touching the outside of your vulva (hello, clitoris), you might find penetration difficult or painful, or you may currently have or have had vaginismus, like me.
If you don’t know much about vaginismus, it is the term used to describe the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. It’s a mind-body response that causes the vaginal muscles to tighten involuntarily when penetration is attempted. The vagina may completely clamp up and block entry.
There’s no single cause of vaginismus, it can be both psychological and physical. In some cases it can be caused by a fear of penetration, past sexual trauma, or anxiety – occasionally a result of inadequate or non-existent sex education. In others, there can be a physical explanation or a painful medical condition that causes it.
In my case, vaginismus was first discovered when I hit puberty and tried to use a tampon for the first time – and subsequently fainted from the pain in the school toilets. A few years later when I tried to have sex for the first time, it reared it’s head again.
It meant that any attempt at penetration was impossible and extremely painful. Trying to get a penis inside of me was like trying to get something through a brick wall. As a teenager I was very embarrassed and didn’t know who to speak to about what was happening. I’d heard the horror stories about “losing my virginity” and I expected some pain, but I didn’t expect it to be like this.
Vaginismus – which Jezebel described as the female version of erectile dysfunction – is still under-discussed, under-studied, and sufferers are often too embarrassed or ashamed to seek treatment or are misdiagnosed when they do.
It’s reported that between 5 – 17% of people suffer from vaginismus, although these statistics are tricky due to the number of sufferers who do not discuss their symptoms.
Although sexuality in general has become a less taboo subject over recent years, women’s sexual liberation still has a lot of progress to make. The message that women are to be sexually pleasing to men first and that their needs are secondary is still promoted in the media and in wider society. When this is paired with a medical system that does not take women’s sexual pain seriously and society’s expectations of women’s fertility, many people hold back from visiting a doctor.
In my experience, after months of many failed attempts at penetration, lots of googling, worrying, and speaking to absolutely nobody about it, I went to the doctor to seek help.
Vaginismus is highly treatable and there are a range of different treatments which are appropriate for different people. My treatment involved relaxation techniques and using vaginal trainers – smooth dildo-shaped objects that start smaller-than-your-little-finger and increase in size, to help you gradually get used to having something inserted into your vagina.
After two years of treatment I was able to have penetrative sex for the first time. It is reported that for some people their treatment is effective after just a few weeks, and for others it’s a longer process.
It’s now been 10 years since I was able to first have penetrative sex and I am mostly able to have intercourse without pain however my vaginismus still appears intermittently in certain contexts and circumstances. One of these being when I masturbate, which means I often don’t like to include penetration into my solo sex sessions.
Vaginismus can shift your view of sex & pleasure. For me, this has meant that being sexually connected to my body is a very important part of my life. I worked hard to experience sexual pleasure which I believe ultimately gave me a better understanding of my sexuality, how to express my desires and made me realise just how important and vital my sexual needs are.
This is the Lust guide for anyone with a vagina who has vaginismus, or would just like to touch themselves without entering their vagina.
Everything is based on my own relationship with vaginismus and I recognize that everyone’s relationship with their vagina is different.
Before You Start: Set the Mood
This is important for everyone but it is especially important for people who associate sex with pain. Set the mood, make sure you’re relaxed and that you’re not going to be disturbed by a housemate or a family member.
This should be a relaxing experience for you, remember that everything you do from here out is completely for you and your pleasure. This is your time to get to know and explore your body, and bring some self-awareness to your sexuality.
Start on the Outside
If you don’t want direct contact with your vulva, that’s completely fine. You can try wearing a glove, touching yourself with clothing on, or putting a blanket or towel between your vulva and your hand.
Grindin’
If you don’t want to use hands at all, you can try grinding against something to apply pressure to your clitoris, rocking your hips back and forth to stimulate yourself. It doesn’t matter what it is, find something comfortable for you. Try a pillow, a bunched up towel, or a piece of furniture if it works for you.
Explore the Erogenous Zones
There are so many erogenous zones on the body that can bring us pleasure and orgasms. Aside from the clitoris, try touching or rubbing your nipples, massage your thighs, run your finger around your vulva, or even your anus if it feels good for you.
Flickin’ the Bean
This is your vaginal pleasure centre. Packed with 8,000 nerve endings, stimulating the clitoris is the best way to reach orgasm for many people.
If you feel comfortable touching it, it’s time to experiment with this pleasure bean.
Do you prefer a soft touch or a harder rub? Do you prefer circles, side-to-side motions, or light tapping? You’ll never know until you try…
You can also try lubing up your index and middle fingers, placing one on each side of your clit. Then slide those babies up and down on either side of your clit and see how that feels.
Lube It Up
Even when you’re not entering your vagina, lube is still important. No one wants a friction burn on their clit.
Positions
Move around! Try sitting up, lying on your stomach, on your side, standing up, or propping a pillow underneath your bum. See what feels best for you.
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall
Get that mirror out and look at what you’ve been blessed with.
Every vulva and clitoris is different, and we all like to touch ourselves in different ways. Some people with vaginas prefer direct clitoral contact, while others like to touch slightly above, or below, or to the side of the visible clit.
So, grab your hand mirror and spend some time admiring your vulva, and show yourself exactly where you like to be touched.
Non-Penetrative Sex Toys
If you feel like you want to bring something else into the bedroom with you, adding a vibrator to your repertoire can really up your masturbation game.
There are a huge range of sex toys that focus on your vulva, like the Tiny Wand, the Strawberry Emojibator, or oral sex stimulators such as the Chickie Emojibator. We also makes a tiny finger vibe called Queeni that is perfect for people who haven’t used vibrators before.
Water Baby
If you haven’t had solo sex in water yet, now is your time. If you’re blessed with a detachable shower head, get that baby down there.
If you’re not blessed with a detachable shower head, you can position yourself conveniently under the stream from the tap. Adjust the water pressure and the temperature to your liking and voila.
These are my top tips for masturbating without penetration, but the most important thing to remember is; no orgasm, no problem. Nothing makes an orgasm disappear like the fear of not having an orgasm. Try not to over think it; most people eventually find what works for them with a little time or patience.
Even if you don’t have an orgasm from masturbation, it’s likely that you will still feel some pleasurable sensations and there is nothing better than taking some time out of your day to focus on your own body and it’s wants and needs. Why not make it a daily ritual?
Originally posted on Erika Lust by Brogan Grinstead
