Replacing Netflix with Masturbating: A Hands-on Experiment
By Carolyn Busa Comedian & Writer, @misstoiletslave
Creator of My Sex Project
Come into work Monday and you’ll probably stumble upon half a dozen conversations about what tv shows your coworkers spent the weekend binging or which Fyre Fest documentary they liked best. Our obsession with media has taken over as the new ‘Crazy weather we’re having, huh?’
Binging has become an accepted form of laziness. If our only accomplishment from the weekend was an opinion on Marie Kondo’s folding technique or whether or not Love deserved a fourth season, that would be ok.
But what if I spent the weekend binging on...me? What if every time I wanted to watch that next episode of The Great British Baking Show (Bread Week!) I turned the tv off and turned myself on? Would the satisfaction of satisfying myself fulfill my lazy cravings or would I find my soggy bottom wanting more?
FRIDAY 6:27pm
Got home late. Tired. Did a lot of work (and flirting) today. Thank goodness my crushes work on different sides of the office otherwise, I’d never get my 10,000 steps in.
I have an hour and change before I have to leave for dinner. Tempted to whet my appetite with an episode of Chef’s Table but instead whip out my Emojibator, a different appetizer of sorts.
7:40pm
Well, now I really have to get going. And take a shower.
FRIDAY 11:15pm
Blamed my being late on the trains. If there’s one good thing about a broken subway system, it’s that you’ll always have an excuse for being late when you get caught up masturbating.
Now I’m home, buzzed and doing my best not to put on an episode of Frasier. Take the batteries out of my remote and put them in my eggplant. Tossed salad and scrambled eggs, here I come.
SATURDAY 8:15am
Gooooood morning! I slept well and had a Niles sex dream. I have the hots for Niles, don’t judge me. Dream Niles took his frustrations out about the potential Frasier reboot and channeled them into his passionate love-making.
Crap. Now I’m horny again.
3:23pm
Wow. I’ve accomplished so much today and it’s not even 4. Proud of myself but this is the time of the weekend I would crash and Netflix until sunset. And to top it off, 9 times out of 10 I would still end up masturbating. Lots of lazy time!
Skipping the Netflix and headed straight to part 2.
5:00pm
Thank god I was coherent enough to set an alarm after the 2nd orgasm. I had a feeling it was going to be a long session. Feeling accomplished turns me on and that past hour and a half was proof of that. I’m surprised my vibrator didn’t take a page from the Netflix rule book and stop to ask if I was still masturbating.
6:31pm
My head is clear. I showered. The dog is walked. And now. I’m. STARVING.
Texted my date that I am very excited to see him...
10:00pm
My date asks if we should watch something while our food digests, a Hungarian movie he’s been wanting to see. I laugh and make a bad joke about being ‘stuffed not Hungary’. Die a little inside.
Confess my little experiment which doesn’t seem to bother him. We keep the TV off and turn each other on.
SUNDAY
9:26am
Date ended up not staying the night. Made him swear up and down it wasn’t cause of my weird experiment and I would indeed see him again. He says it wasn’t and I trust him. Have to get ready for a dance class so don’t have too much time to worry about it.
2:00pm
Ah, another great class. I always come home exhausted, extremely horny, and hungry. For the past month I’ve used this time to watch a few episodes of British Baking until the hunger and drooling became so bad that instead of making something from the groceries I bought the day before, I’d scarf whatever was within reach.
Instead, I set an alarm for 30 minutes and collapse into bed with Emojibator. The alarm goes off as I do. I spring out of bed ready to soak up the last few hours of my weekend.
10:15pm
It’s getting close to my bedtime routine. Yes, I have a bedtime routine (as should you!).
So what did I learn? Am I better off now that I masturbated more than streamed? Tomorrow when I’m asked what I did over the weekend, will I share I had upwards of 10 orgasms or fake it?
I’ve learned that when I consume, media or masturbation, it’s good to check in. Both things may make me feel temporarily good but when it becomes autopilot, I need to make sure I am feeling completely, fully, totally, entirely good and not just doing it cause I can. Replacing Netflix with masturbation definitely inspired me in certain ways and kept me in a state of arousal for the 48+ hours. But perhaps the ole adage of moderation in all things will always ring true. Set an alarm. Give yourself limits. Your brain and body will thank you.
